Lost And Found

Clare Boothe Luce was an amazing human being. She is famous for a highly successful, multi-faceted career which included stints as editor, playwright, politician, journalist, and diplomat. With the possible exception of a few classic plays, I would guess she is mostly forgotten by many who are not of her generation.

I am willing to put up cold-hard cash for an almost certain bet: Most everyone has, at one time or another, heard or uttered one of her most famously cited quotations; specifically,

"No good deed goes unpunished."

Today was my day.

I found a lost cellphone and then tried to return it.

In hindsight, I probably should have kicked it into the nearest sewer.

After a little quick research, I came up with some startling results regarding the annual loss of cell phones worldwide. One study in the United States claims, "10% of the cellphone-using population will lose at least one phone per year." Other research claims the hard numbers range from 6 to 12 million cellphones per year. I would venture all cellphone companies incorporate these data into their annual earnings forecasts.

Other research indicates that theft accounts for a large percentage of cellphone losses. In the United Kingdom, some 700,000 "mobiles" are reportedly "lifted" every year. Other noteworthy factors include: 400,000 phones dropped into alcoholic beverages; 600,000 deposited into the "loo"; and some 200,000 inadvertently put through the gentle cycle of their washing machines. One is left to assume there are quite a few imbibing, loo-using, thieving "sods" who mistakenly do laundry (while drunk) in Great Britain? (Illiteration vs Alliteration)

This lost phone could not have met a more ignoble fate; it was found on a fractured slab of concrete sidewalk in front of a nondescript, smelly Oriental grocery store (I had once gone into this store only to find a woman buried chest-deep -- feet in the air -- inside a deep freeze presumably "fishing" for rotten, stinking scrod). Even while fearing I might drop dead from the stench surrounding that store, "Bobby-Do-Good" had to stop and pick up the damnable phone.

In a recent poll, 89% of those surveyed indicated it was, "definitely worth a shot," to return a lost-then-found cell phone; the other 11% were divided equally among the "snooze, loose" and "it depends" camps. On reading these data, I truly felt vindicated; 9 out of 10 Americans agreed that making an attempt to return the phone was a good idea. The reader may be my judge.

I am no technological wizard. For this reason, I don't know how to work any device not my own; after picking up the lost cellphone, I decided the best course of action would be to first wait for someone to call "me." I would then inform the caller that I had found the phone and would be more than happy, with their help, to assure it's return to the rightful owner. It took no more than three minutes to ring; I somehow managed to answer it the second time around:

CALLER: Hello?

RDMMD: Hi. Are you, by chance, the owner of this phone?

CALLER: Oh, thank you so much! No, the girl who owns the phone is right here. She was hoping to get through to someone who may have found the phone. Here she is ... and, thank you, again.

RDMMD: (My chest swelling) Oh, no problem, ma'am!

LOSER: (As in "person who lost the phone") ..... hey.

RDMMD: Hey, I found your phone and would like to know how I might get it back to you?

(LOSER now will embarrass me with gratitude)

LOSER: What the hell do you mean -- you got my phone? Where the f*** you get my phone?

RDMMD: (chest deflating) What? What do you mean, "Where did I get your phone?" I found it on the street!

LOSERETTE: (now an official female "loser") Well ..... I need my phone! I need it now! When the you gonna bring me my phone?

RDMMD: (getting testier by the second) Where are you, ma'am?

LOSERETTE: What do YOU mean, "Where am I?" I'm at work! I'm at the Sonic ..... Mother F*****(MF)!

(She went on to relay the address which was, by this time, only a five minute drive)

RDMMD: (What can I say? Something snapped) I am heading to the hospital (no, I wasn't); I have an emergency (no, I didn't).

LOSERETTE: Where that be? (Could not make that up)

RDMMD: Oh, I am already across the river; I am at least twenty minutes away (in fairness, I WAS heading in that direction). May I bring the phone by your company later today or tomorrow?

LOSERETTE: I need that phone now! You shouldn' have picked up the phone in the first place! I didn' lose my phone -- I misplaced it! I need my phone, MF!

RDMMD: Fine. I am heading to a hospital (picked at random on my originally planned route) about twenty minutes or so from your location; I will leave it at the volunteer's desk for you to pick up.

LOSERETTE: SumBitchMF! (She eats with that thing!) Who are you? I need to know who am I talkin' to!

RDMMD: Oh, my name is Bill Esry (a former patient and past CEO of Sprint -- her carrier)!

LOSERETTE: mumbling ......

BILL ESRY: You are welcome ! Have a nice day!

LOSERETTE: EXPLETIVES DELETED ...... click

Do I feel good about how I handled this situation? Probably, not. If given the same set of circumstances, would I do it again? Hell, yes. Had she bothered to accord me even the slightest bit of appreciation, I would have gladly returned the phone on the spot.

Clare Boothe Luce was correct when she wrote, "No good deed goes unpunished."

Ask my new "friend" what she thinks.

I believe I do deserve to get credit for the good deed of returning the phone. She, at least to my way of thinking, well, she got "spanked."